Day two without my angel.

I don't expect anyone to read this. In fact, I doubt I'm going to tell anyone about it's existence. But I need to let this out. 

Have you ever cried so much, your cheeks became chapped? Have you ever missed someone so much, a simple memory triggers convulsive fits of tears, no matter where you are? Have you ever wanted to blame anyone or anything that you could for taking away your angel, despite there really being nothing to blame?

Losing someone you love is probably one of the hardest things anyone can go through. And I have lost my fair share of loved ones. Many-a-funeral I have attended. Too many for a girl as young as I am. But this loss I have most recently been hit with, was that of my  tiny, innocent 4-days-shy of 4 months old kitten. Her name was Pixie, though she had been bestowed with several nicknames in the short time we got to love her. Princess Pixie Dust, Snicklefritz, Squishy, Kitter Bum...We gave her more love than any cat could have asked for.

Some people may think that being this devastated over the loss of something like a kitten is absurd. But how could losing your best friend be any easier? I spent more time in a day with her than anyone else. She was always there to snuggle up in my lap, taking a nap under my laptop. Most of the time she refused to lay anywhere else but on my chest, essentially putting us face to face all hours of the day. All I know is that this is one of the hardest things I've had to go through, and considering that my life really hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies, that is definitely saying something. 

I keep expecting her to jump up on the couch to lay with me, or to look over and she her cuddled in the nook of my boyfriend's elbow while he is on his computer. But she is not coming back. And that fact alone is probably the hardest to deal with. 

Never again will I be able to pet under her chin like she likes. Never will she nibble on my lip ring. Never will she greet me at the door after a long day at work. Never again will she fall asleep next to me. Never again will I fill her tiny food dish. Never again will I have to go rescue her, after having climbed to the VERY top of that random Ikea storage thing that hangs from the curtain rod. She loved playing in that thing. 

*sigh* We are getting her ashes sent to our vet sometime next week. We both really wanted that. It's like she will always be with us this way. My little angel.  

I just hopes she knows that we did everything we could to save her. And that we are going to miss her every day for most likely the rest of our lives. The hole in my heart you left the night you died will never fully heal, Pixie. I will always love you. Always.